It was venting

September 30, 2008

It was the truth. But it was also venting. And the lack of a spine to do anything about it.

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And so it starts …

October 12, 2006

Every new begining starts with another begining’s end.

I had a dream last night. It was a revalation of sorts. I’m not living the life I wanted right now. Perhaps it’s a midlife crisis. Middle age is quickly approaching. I’m mired in middle class aspirations, overweight, overwhelmed by credit card debt, I have nothing in savings, and in my heart is slow-burning desperation with my home life ….

Where is the life I dreamed of when I was in college? Where is my other life?

At this juncture I have to ask myself what I can really do. At times I feel as though I just want to leave …. just drop everything and everyone and leave to start anew. So many of my old dreams have been shattered now that it seems that it would be impossible to put the pieces of what I have together to reform those old dreams.

I’m training to run a marathon. I want to accomplish at least something before I reach 30. But even that seems tired and cliché. A final gasp … a last grasp at a feeling of accomplishment.  I know my life won’t end at 30. I realize this. But once I cross that bridge my dreams will be that much harder to achieve.

What are the dreams? It doesn’t really matter … does it? Some are superficial. Some are frivilous. Some are ambitious. What matters now is that I dread waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror. What matters now is that I can wake up from a dream and feel filled with dispair at what my life isn’t. What matters is that ultimately I’m  not happy.

“Grow up.”
“You’d be selfish to abandon everyone.”
“Let it go.”

I can hear the standard criticisms now. I’ve used them on myself as well. But the seed of despair deep in your heart is hard to reason with. It doesn’t care much for reason.

I’ll ultimately end up publishing this blog. For anyone who might stumble upon it, let me answer a few questions:

* I don’t know why I’m posting it. Yes it’s a sort of cry fo

The question now: “Is this a new beginning, or am I just venting?”